Feeling like you’re ready to lock your soul into a bottle of whiskey and close the curtains on your own swollen face so that if the light of love indeed never reaches you again, it will at least have been by your own choosing?
Then by all means, get on OkCupid, son! That’s just what we DO now! No sense in wasting away every evening, smoking grass and proving your dog right when she suspects that you might love Netflix more than you love her. No, no, you gotta put yourself OUT THERE. It’s time to show the world that you’re made of more than just crippling student loan debt and clever plots to fake your own death so you can cancel your gym membership. You–YES YOU!– in your American Thunder T-shirt that you bought at a flea market to be ironic, have a LOT to offer and you DESERVE to feel LOVE!
But, “Oh,” you might say. Or, “sigh” you might sigh. Or “Hmmm?” you might purr as you look up from your iPad dreamily because you were looking at cat pictures on the internet and didn’t hear what I just said. Look, there are TONS of people JUST LIKE YOU (kind of) who LOVE cat pictures and also have DEBILITATING social ANXIETY! You could be HAPPY TOGETHER! Or at least miserable WITH ANOTHER PERSON IN YOUR BED!
Sound too good to be true? There are literally DOZENS of people right now, in your local community, who have also lost all faith in the idea that someone might find them attractive because its not even officially winter yet and you already feel like you might not make it to spring time without having actually transformed into Gollum, clutching a box of doughnut holes and hissing, “MY PRECIOUS,” at anyone who tries to pry them from your filthy, clammy hands. Literally DOZENS!
Now that you’re totally on board because of my unique persuasive tactics/shame, you may be wondering, “Great! Where do I sign up!” and the answer is at OkCupid and you just start by making an account or reactivating your old one from the last time you were too depressed to keep going on with your normal life of going to work and seeing your family and friends without squeezing in awkward cappuccino with strangers in your otherwise desolate free time. If you’re a woman, you will feel the positive effects on your self esteem immediately! Get ready for powerfully flattering messages like:
- wiggle wiggle wiggle yeah 😉
- You’re absolutely gorgeous! My husband and I are vacationing in piegon forge next week and would love to chat if you’re interested 🙂
If you’re a man, get ready to send ’em! Thousands a day! To the same people over and over again! Without regard for anything they’ve mentioned on their profile! Or! Anything! Other! Than! Your! Dick!
Because at the end of the one week minimum time period before OkCupid will allow you to deactivate your account again, one of eight things will happen:
- You will be so bombarded by messages from creepy dudes, certifiable lunatics, and toothless yokels that you realize its better to be single than to be subjected to an endless parade of these assholes.
- You will go on a few dates with incredibly awkward people who have misrepresented themselves to actually have a sense of humor.
- You will go on a few dates with someone that you are more attracted to than they are to you and then you text them too much and ruin everything.
- You will meet someone who lied about their height.
- You will meet someone who lied about their relationship status.
- You will meet someone who lied about their prison record.
- You will meet someone who lied about not being dead inside.
- Or, you will meet someone who’s nice and you’ll keep seeing them and it will be nice and less lonely and I bet you’ll even both grow as people from it.
See, those are literally the ONLY eight things that can happen! Isn’t that GREAT! So get out there, kid! Take a shower and let’s get you a profile picture! Or find an Instagram filter that washes out pockmarks and weird body hair IT LITERALLY DOESN’T MATTER! TRUE LOVE or TRUE AWKWARDNESS or A TRUE AFFIRMATION TO KEEP LIVING THE LIFE YOU ALREADY LIVE is just a CLICK and SOME TYPING and A LOT OF INVASIVE SURVEY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR SEXUAL PAST AWAY!