Last week, I heard a few of my coworkers laughing and talking outside my office. Like a dog who heard the word “treat”, my anxious little extrovert ears perked up and I quickly inserted myself into whatever fun was happening just beyond the bounds of my lonely, isolated desk.
They were gathered around a piece of printer paper that read as follows:
I have seen through your deception!!!
You have tried to fool the world into thinking you are a reindeer, but I have seen through the deception and realized you are nothing but a car! Your disguise is really quite obvious when it is closely examined.
You may fool the average man. BUT I HAVE UNCOVERED YOUR DEVIOUS PLAN! I simply ask you to repent of your deceptive ways and put aside the disguise.REVEAL YOUR TRUE IDENTITY TO ALL! In the name of your dignity and the dignity of your owner I say REPENT! REPENT! REPENT! Put aside your nose and antlers so all will know you are but a car.
My coworker Ari has now gotten 3 of these left on her SUV, which (as you may have guessed) is currently disguised as a reindeer. Today, she came to me for help. I could no longer stand idly by and let this discrimination go on, so I decided to jump in and help her cause, constructing the following rebuttal, which she then laminated and left on her own windshield:
ATTENTION GRINCHES AND HATERS:
What do J.K. Rowling, Kevin Costner, and Rudolph have in common?
THEY DIDN’T BACK DOWN FROM THEIR DREAMS.
J.K. Rowling was an unemployed single mother with a dream about wizards. Kevin Costner heard some voices in a corn field and had a dream about building something so they would come (I didn’t watch it). And my personal hero RUDOLPH had a sweet dream about being included in some awesome reindeer games and maybe also BEING ACCEPTED FOR WHO HE IS.
I have always felt like a reindeer trapped in a mid-size SUV’s body and HOW DARE YOU PERSECUTE ME. This is the one time of year that I can don my gay apparel and feel kinship with my true kind—REINDEER. How could you be so hurtful, so mean, so cruel… at CHRISTMAS?
Stop this harassment at once or I WILL contact the American Civil Liberties Union and maybe also PETA.
So, this holiday season, please remember the plight of the trans-car (or “crossovers” as you may have heard them referred to before). Let’s not discriminate, y’all! In this season of love and harmony, let us focus on the age-old adage:
Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men and Reindeer Cars.